Jokes
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You Know You’re From Massachusetts If …
Posted by Pam on Dec 08 2007 | Tagged as: Jokes
YOU KNOW YOUR FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF..
1. You’ve pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left
2. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only of you want to
3. You know how to cross four lanes of traffic in five seconds
4. You believe using your turn signals gives away your plan to the enemy
5. You think it’s not actually tailgating unless you’re touching the bumper of the car in front of
you
6. You know that a yellow light means that at least five more people can get through and a red one means two more can
7. The transportation system is known as the “T”
8. You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house
9. You almost feel disappointed when someone doesnt flip you off when you cut them off or steal their
parking space
10. There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house
11. When people talk about “The Curse Of The Bambino” you know what they’re talking about and
believe it too
12. You’re amazed when traveling out of town that people at McDonalds actually speak english
13. If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names
14. Someone has honked at you because you didnt peel out the second the light turned green
15. You have honked at someone because they didn’t peel out the second the light turned green
16. All the potholes just add to the excitement of driving
17. You think if someones nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town and lost
18. Six inches of snow is considered a dusting
19. Three days of 90 degree heat is definately a “heat wave” 63 degrees is “on the warm side”
20. You cringe everytime you hear some actor/actress imitate the “Boston Accent” on TV or in a movie, if you don’t have it then you’re never going to get it even if you were born here
21. At the ice cream shop you call chocolate sprinkles “jimmies”
22. You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes and see at least fifteen
losers you went to high school with doing the same thing they were doing when you saw them last
23. It is raining and/or snowing, the person in front of you is going 70, and you’re still cursing them for going too slow
24. You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, and Cotuit
25. You know what they sell at a “packie”
26.You’ve called something “wicked pissa”
27. You’ve slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgator
28. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King
29. You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round
30. You know at least three Tony’s one Vinnie, and a Frank
31. Paranoia sets in when you can’t see an ATM or CVS
32. You think crosswalks are for wimps
33. You’ve bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop
34. You know what “regular coffee” is, and you order iced coffee in January
35. You can navigate a rotary without a problem
36. You have been to Fenway Park
37. You refer to the New York Yankees as the Evil Empire
38. You feel the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
39. When someone calls you a “masshole” you take it as a compliment
40. You use the words “wicked” and “good” in the same sentence
41. You know what a frappe is
42. Saint Patrticks Day is your second favorite holiday
43. You are proud to drink Sam Adams and think that the rest of the country owes Bostonians a thank you
44. You never say “Cape Cod” you say “the cape”
45. You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation in elementary school
46. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
47. You have a special place in your heart for the Worcester Firefighters
48. You know the Mass Pike and 128 are some strange weather dividing lines
49. You do not recognize the letter “R” as a part of the English language.
50. You’ve gone from I-95 South to I-93 North by driving in a straight line and never changing direction.
51. You understand everything just said and passed it on to other massholes
52. You know you’re from Mass when you give directions that cite land marks that USED to be there…
You bang a left at the lights, and then you drive just past where the old farm was… the one that used to have the giant catepillar in front… and then you take a wicked sharp right to where the movie theater used to be…
Were you born in or before 1970?
Posted by Pam on Nov 25 2006 | Tagged as: Jokes
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets - and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
Top 9 Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life
Posted by Pam on Nov 15 2006 | Tagged as: Jokes
1. The Doctor - Because he says, “Take off your clothes.”
2. The Dentist - Because he says, “Open wide.”
3. The Milkman - Because he says, “Do you want it in the front or back?”
4. The Hairdresser - Because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown?”
5. The Interior Decorator - Because he says, “Once it’s in, you’ll love it.”
6. The Banker - Because he says, “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.”
7. The Hunter - Because he always goes deep in the bush, he always shoots twice, and he always eats what he shoots.
8. The Stock Broker - Because he says, “It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again.”
9. The Telephone Guy - Because he says, “Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?
I Owe My Mother
Posted by Pam on Nov 15 2006 | Tagged as: Jokes
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3 My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear,! in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all those peas are gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17.. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18 My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My ! mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand”
25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
